This is a semi-formal revision of one part of the project "Gatsby & the Wells of Wealth" based on Max Pickney's work (Link). The details of this project could be found here and on my project page (Link).
Original Work
Success & Wealth Brought by Relationships
by Max Pickney
Through out history human beings strived for success. It is in our nature to do so for success brings great wealth. Success can be achieved in many ways and in my eyes relationships are the key to success. Relationships create opportunities, trust and love, which I believe is the ultimate factors of success. These close ties between success and relationships are shown in the novel Great Gatsby and other sources.
Opportunities are one of the many perks of relationships. By having a good relationship with someone might bring the individual an opportunity to achieve success. This can be seen in the Great Gatsby countless times. Whether its a business proposal , or simply a chance to arrange a date with the love of your life. “I talked to Miss Baker, I'm going to call Daisy tomorrow and invite her to tea” (Fitzgerald 70). In this quote Nick is talking to Gatsby how he will gladly set up a surprise date for him and Daisy. This quote fits right in to the topic of opportunities.
Having good relationships with people can create trust among the individuals. Trust can tighten the bond between people and it is an important factor to gain success. We can see examples of this between Gatsby and Nick throughout the book. “I can't describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport” (Fitzgerald 121). This quote is one of the many passages where Gatsby tells Nick his feelings and problems. We can see how important Nick is to Gatsby. Gatsby has very few friends and he only trusts Nick. As Eminem once said, “trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends”(Marshal Mathers). Trust is the factor that can only be achieved by a “tight” relationship.
The strongest element in a relationship is love. According to the Huffington Post having love in your life leads to a more successful life than people without it. Love deeply. Love fully. Don't ever let fear prevent you from experiencing the greatest feeling in this life. Love your family, love your friends, love your partners, love children, love strangers, love yourself. Immerse yourself in love it's worth it (Huffington Post). In the Great Gatsby the reader can feel the authors desired message of how love is what determines how wealthy a individual is. Gatsby being a rich and successful entrepreneur knew that his love for Daisy will be his downfall of him being the son of God. “Well there I was, way off my ambitions, getting deeper in love every minute, and all of a sudden I didn't care. What was the use of doing great things if I could have a better time telling her what I was going to do” (Fitzgerald 121). As this quote, Gatsby was a victim of love. He was willing to give up everything for a girl, because love is worth more than money, honor, fame etc. Gatsby`s only desire was to have Daisy as a lover, only then was he truly wealthy.
In the novel Great Gatsby the reader can find elements of relationships closely tied to the achievement of wealth and success. Opportunities, trust and love are all factors of relationships that contribute to the strive for success and wealth. After all what is the point of having all the money in the world but not having anyone to love?
My Rewrite
The Truth of Happiness
I am too young to understand. With seemingly perpetual life spreading its welcoming arms in front of me I do not understand what my needs and wishes are. Through out history human beings strived for success. It is in our nature to do so for success brings great wealth. But what it is? What does it mean to be successful? Does success means the attainment of wealth, a large amount of money and valuable possessions? Or is the secret of living a meaningful life relates to something else? These are some questions I will try to answer based on The Great Gatsby. Success can be achieved in many ways but in my eyes, and according to the author of this novel, relationships are the key to success. Relationships create trust and love, which I believe is the ultimate factors of success. These close ties between success and relationships are shown throughout The Great Gatsby.
First of all, I must understand whether materialistic lifestyle lead to happiness or not. Materialistic people are characterised by grand avarice, mainly because they are excessively concerned with acquisition of wealth, rather than with spiritual values. Being mindful of advantages that money can bring in many instances, they pursue economic security. As Aristotle once said, “Money is a guarantee that we may have what we want in the future. It insures the possibility of satisfying a new desire when it arises” (Argile 100). However, money is only a tool for achieving your goals - it is not a goal itself. What good is money if it can’t buy happiness? Fitzgerald's story follows Jay Gatsby's quest to become rich enough to win Daisy Buchanan’s heart. In this case, the only reason why he worked to become rich is because he wanted to gain love through money, not solely attaining material possessions.
There is another problem with money. It is in its impermanence. Money doesn‘t show reality, but rather fakeness. It is a camouflage that gives temporary satisfaction with one’s life. People hardly ever realize that we can lose everything, anytime, in the blink of an eye. The car you ride, the house you live in -- it can disappear. Even the land you think you own in fact belongs to the government. What is truly yours, then? Yourself, maybe, and people with whom you're in good relationships. That is because good relationships create trust among the individuals. Trust can tighten the bond between people. We can see examples of this between Gatsby and Nick throughout the book. “I can't describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport” (Fitzgerald 121). This quote is one of the many passages where Gatsby tells Nick his feelings and problems. We can see how important Nick is to Gatsby. Gatsby has very few friends and he only trusts Nick. As Eminem once said, “Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends”(Marshal Mathers). Trust is the factor that can only be achieved by a “tight” relationship.
The strongest element in a relationship is love. According to the Huffington Post having love in your life leads to a more successful life than people without it. In The Great Gatsby the reader can feel the author's desired message of how love is what determines how wealthy a individual is. "Love deeply. Love fully. Don't ever let fear prevent you from experiencing the greatest feeling in this life," it says. Gatsby being a rich and successful entrepreneur knew that his life would not be complete without love. He was willing to give up everything for a girl, because love is worth more than money, honor, fame. Gatsby`s only desire was to have Daisy as a lover, only then was he truly wealthy.
In the novel Great Gatsby the reader can find elements of relationships closely tied to the achievement of success. Trust and love are factors of relationships that contribute to the strive for success and wealth. After all what is the point of having all the money in the world but not having anyone to love?
This is a semi-formal revision of one part of the project "Gatsby & the Wells of Wealth" based on Max Pickney's work (Link).
Original Work
Success & Wealth Brought by Relationships
by Max Pickney
Through out history human beings strived for success. It is in our nature to do so for success brings great wealth. Success can be achieved in many ways and in my eyes relationships are the key to success. Relationships create opportunities, trust and love, which I believe is the ultimate factors of success. These close ties between success and relationships are shown in the novel Great Gatsby and other sources.
Opportunities are one of the many perks of relationships. By having a good relationship with someone might bring the individual an opportunity to achieve success. This can be seen in the Great Gatsby countless times. Whether its a business proposal , or simply a chance to arrange a date with the love of your life. “I talked to Miss Baker, I'm going to call Daisy tomorrow and invite her to tea” (Fitzgerald 70). In this quote Nick is talking to Gatsby how he will gladly set up a surprise date for him and Daisy. This quote fits right in to the topic of opportunities.
Having good relationships with people can create trust among the individuals. Trust can tighten the bond between people and it is an important factor to gain success. We can see examples of this between Gatsby and Nick throughout the book. “I can't describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport” (Fitzgerald 121). This quote is one of the many passages where Gatsby tells Nick his feelings and problems. We can see how important Nick is to Gatsby. Gatsby has very few friends and he only trusts Nick. As Eminem once said, “trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends”(Marshal Mathers). Trust is the factor that can only be achieved by a “tight” relationship.
The strongest element in a relationship is love. According to the Huffington Post having love in your life leads to a more successful life than people without it. Love deeply. Love fully. Don't ever let fear prevent you from experiencing the greatest feeling in this life. Love your family, love your friends, love your partners, love children, love strangers, love yourself. Immerse yourself in love it's worth it (Huffington Post). In the Great Gatsby the reader can feel the authors desired message of how love is what determines how wealthy a individual is. Gatsby being a rich and successful entrepreneur knew that his love for Daisy will be his downfall of him being the son of God. “Well there I was, way off my ambitions, getting deeper in love every minute, and all of a sudden I didn't care. What was the use of doing great things if I could have a better time telling her what I was going to do” (Fitzgerald 121). As this quote, Gatsby was a victim of love. He was willing to give up everything for a girl, because love is worth more than money, honor, fame etc. Gatsby`s only desire was to have Daisy as a lover, only then was he truly wealthy.
In the novel Great Gatsby the reader can find elements of relationships closely tied to the achievement of wealth and success. Opportunities, trust and love are all factors of relationships that contribute to the strive for success and wealth. After all what is the point of having all the money in the world but not having anyone to love?
My Rewrite
The Truth of Happiness
I am too young to understand. With seemingly perpetual life spreading its welcoming arms in front of me I do not understand what my needs and wishes are. Through out history human beings strived for success. It is in our nature to do so for success brings great wealth. But what it is? What does it mean to be successful? Does success means the attainment of wealth, a large amount of money and valuable possessions? Or is the secret of living a meaningful life relates to something else? These are some questions I will try to answer based on The Great Gatsby. Success can be achieved in many ways but in my eyes, and according to the author of this novel, relationships are the key to success. Relationships create trust and love, which I believe is the ultimate factors of success. These close ties between success and relationships are shown throughout The Great Gatsby.
First of all, I must understand whether materialistic lifestyle lead to happiness or not. Materialistic people are characterised by grand avarice, mainly because they are excessively concerned with acquisition of wealth, rather than with spiritual values. Being mindful of advantages that money can bring in many instances, they pursue economic security. As Aristotle once said, “Money is a guarantee that we may have what we want in the future. It insures the possibility of satisfying a new desire when it arises” (Argile 100). However, money is only a tool for achieving your goals - it is not a goal itself. What good is money if it can’t buy happiness? Fitzgerald's story follows Jay Gatsby's quest to become rich enough to win Daisy Buchanan’s heart. In this case, the only reason why he worked to become rich is because he wanted to gain love through money, not solely attaining material possessions.
There is another problem with money. It is in its impermanence. Money doesn‘t show reality, but rather fakeness. It is a camouflage that gives temporary satisfaction with one’s life. People hardly ever realize that we can lose everything, anytime, in the blink of an eye. The car you ride, the house you live in -- it can disappear. Even the land you think you own in fact belongs to the government. What is truly yours, then? Yourself, maybe, and people with whom you're in good relationships. That is because good relationships create trust among the individuals. Trust can tighten the bond between people. We can see examples of this between Gatsby and Nick throughout the book. “I can't describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport” (Fitzgerald 121). This quote is one of the many passages where Gatsby tells Nick his feelings and problems. We can see how important Nick is to Gatsby. Gatsby has very few friends and he only trusts Nick. As Eminem once said, “Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends”(Marshal Mathers). Trust is the factor that can only be achieved by a “tight” relationship.
The strongest element in a relationship is love. According to the Huffington Post having love in your life leads to a more successful life than people without it. In The Great Gatsby the reader can feel the author's desired message of how love is what determines how wealthy a individual is. "Love deeply. Love fully. Don't ever let fear prevent you from experiencing the greatest feeling in this life," it says. Gatsby being a rich and successful entrepreneur knew that his life would not be complete without love. He was willing to give up everything for a girl, because love is worth more than money, honor, fame. Gatsby`s only desire was to have Daisy as a lover, only then was he truly wealthy.
In the novel Great Gatsby the reader can find elements of relationships closely tied to the achievement of success. Trust and love are factors of relationships that contribute to the strive for success and wealth. After all what is the point of having all the money in the world but not having anyone to love?
Argumentative Essay
This was a challenging project for most of us and especially for me. I had no idea what to write about when I was asked to discuss my definition of success and wealth. I had nothing to say because I just did not know what was important for me. And as I began to read my classmates' essays I became even more confused. They were trying to prove their point, they provided wonderful quotes... but it was complicated. And then I saw Max's essay. What a legerity, what a concise argumentation! I was able to read his essay at one go because of his frank tone and simplicity. Simplicity, however, does not mean frivolousness. In Max's case he did a fantastic job exploring the importance of relationships, more precisely trust and love, in one's life. His intriguing ideas, though, needed a greater support in order to prove his point and persuade the readers so I chose to focus my rewrite on contrast between different lifestyles to highlight the one that I wanted to prove. Taking the best part of Max's essay and adding additional features to some parts of it helped me understand his point of view much better than if I was just reading it. In order to synthesise two works you must understand both deeply. This helped me to improve the piece as the whole because as I was refining the essay, I started to realize what I could do to make the arguments even stronger and flow of the essay even smoother.
As I began writing my revision, I tried to keep his essay's structure since it was clearly and logically organised: introduction with explicit thesis, three body paragraphs (each talking about separate components of relationships), and lastly, conclusion with metacognitive question at the very end. Yet I changed few things to further develop the arguments he had. I integrated another component of life that many people find important - money , and compared and contrasted with relationships. I thought that this would make a claim stronger if I reject the materialistic lifestyle and support the position I was trying to prove instead. I also had to take out the first body paragraph and replace it with the smooth transition from indolent inquiry of the first paragraph to active discussion of the third paragraph. In his second paragraph, Max talking about opportunities brought by relationships. I felt like his position was not supported enough by quotes and references from different sources so instead of keeping this in the essay, I decided to include some versatile ideas that would emphasise the importance of relationships in a different way.
Although by times I felt like I was cheating because I took somebody else's ideas and presented them with my own, this surely helped me to write a clearer and more determined persuasive essay. Taking an exemplary work and refining is similar to a process of silver cleaning. You take a valuable piece of metal and by polishing it increase the beauty of it. Just like the silverware that begins to shine after the procedure, the essay that possess many wonders becomes even greater when you take time and effort to refine and improve it.
Original Work
Success & Wealth Brought by Relationships
by Max Pickney
Through out history human beings strived for success. It is in our nature to do so for success brings great wealth. Success can be achieved in many ways and in my eyes relationships are the key to success. Relationships create opportunities, trust and love, which I believe is the ultimate factors of success. These close ties between success and relationships are shown in the novel Great Gatsby and other sources.
Opportunities are one of the many perks of relationships. By having a good relationship with someone might bring the individual an opportunity to achieve success. This can be seen in the Great Gatsby countless times. Whether its a business proposal , or simply a chance to arrange a date with the love of your life. “I talked to Miss Baker, I'm going to call Daisy tomorrow and invite her to tea” (Fitzgerald 70). In this quote Nick is talking to Gatsby how he will gladly set up a surprise date for him and Daisy. This quote fits right in to the topic of opportunities.
Having good relationships with people can create trust among the individuals. Trust can tighten the bond between people and it is an important factor to gain success. We can see examples of this between Gatsby and Nick throughout the book. “I can't describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport” (Fitzgerald 121). This quote is one of the many passages where Gatsby tells Nick his feelings and problems. We can see how important Nick is to Gatsby. Gatsby has very few friends and he only trusts Nick. As Eminem once said, “trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends”(Marshal Mathers). Trust is the factor that can only be achieved by a “tight” relationship.
The strongest element in a relationship is love. According to the Huffington Post having love in your life leads to a more successful life than people without it. Love deeply. Love fully. Don't ever let fear prevent you from experiencing the greatest feeling in this life. Love your family, love your friends, love your partners, love children, love strangers, love yourself. Immerse yourself in love it's worth it (Huffington Post). In the Great Gatsby the reader can feel the authors desired message of how love is what determines how wealthy a individual is. Gatsby being a rich and successful entrepreneur knew that his love for Daisy will be his downfall of him being the son of God. “Well there I was, way off my ambitions, getting deeper in love every minute, and all of a sudden I didn't care. What was the use of doing great things if I could have a better time telling her what I was going to do” (Fitzgerald 121). As this quote, Gatsby was a victim of love. He was willing to give up everything for a girl, because love is worth more than money, honor, fame etc. Gatsby`s only desire was to have Daisy as a lover, only then was he truly wealthy.
In the novel Great Gatsby the reader can find elements of relationships closely tied to the achievement of wealth and success. Opportunities, trust and love are all factors of relationships that contribute to the strive for success and wealth. After all what is the point of having all the money in the world but not having anyone to love?
My Rewrite
The Truth of Happiness
I am too young to understand. With seemingly perpetual life spreading its welcoming arms in front of me I do not understand what my needs and wishes are. Through out history human beings strived for success. It is in our nature to do so for success brings great wealth. But what it is? What does it mean to be successful? Does success means the attainment of wealth, a large amount of money and valuable possessions? Or is the secret of living a meaningful life relates to something else? These are some questions I will try to answer based on The Great Gatsby. Success can be achieved in many ways but in my eyes, and according to the author of this novel, relationships are the key to success. Relationships create trust and love, which I believe is the ultimate factors of success. These close ties between success and relationships are shown throughout The Great Gatsby.
First of all, I must understand whether materialistic lifestyle lead to happiness or not. Materialistic people are characterised by grand avarice, mainly because they are excessively concerned with acquisition of wealth, rather than with spiritual values. Being mindful of advantages that money can bring in many instances, they pursue economic security. As Aristotle once said, “Money is a guarantee that we may have what we want in the future. It insures the possibility of satisfying a new desire when it arises” (Argile 100). However, money is only a tool for achieving your goals - it is not a goal itself. What good is money if it can’t buy happiness? Fitzgerald's story follows Jay Gatsby's quest to become rich enough to win Daisy Buchanan’s heart. In this case, the only reason why he worked to become rich is because he wanted to gain love through money, not solely attaining material possessions.
There is another problem with money. It is in its impermanence. Money doesn‘t show reality, but rather fakeness. It is a camouflage that gives temporary satisfaction with one’s life. People hardly ever realize that we can lose everything, anytime, in the blink of an eye. The car you ride, the house you live in -- it can disappear. Even the land you think you own in fact belongs to the government. What is truly yours, then? Yourself, maybe, and people with whom you're in good relationships. That is because good relationships create trust among the individuals. Trust can tighten the bond between people. We can see examples of this between Gatsby and Nick throughout the book. “I can't describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport” (Fitzgerald 121). This quote is one of the many passages where Gatsby tells Nick his feelings and problems. We can see how important Nick is to Gatsby. Gatsby has very few friends and he only trusts Nick. As Eminem once said, “Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends”(Marshal Mathers). Trust is the factor that can only be achieved by a “tight” relationship.
The strongest element in a relationship is love. According to the Huffington Post having love in your life leads to a more successful life than people without it. In The Great Gatsby the reader can feel the author's desired message of how love is what determines how wealthy a individual is. "Love deeply. Love fully. Don't ever let fear prevent you from experiencing the greatest feeling in this life," it says. Gatsby being a rich and successful entrepreneur knew that his life would not be complete without love. He was willing to give up everything for a girl, because love is worth more than money, honor, fame. Gatsby`s only desire was to have Daisy as a lover, only then was he truly wealthy.
In the novel Great Gatsby the reader can find elements of relationships closely tied to the achievement of success. Trust and love are factors of relationships that contribute to the strive for success and wealth. After all what is the point of having all the money in the world but not having anyone to love?
This is a semi-formal revision of one part of the project "Gatsby & the Wells of Wealth" based on Max Pickney's work (Link).
Original Work
Success & Wealth Brought by Relationships
by Max Pickney
Through out history human beings strived for success. It is in our nature to do so for success brings great wealth. Success can be achieved in many ways and in my eyes relationships are the key to success. Relationships create opportunities, trust and love, which I believe is the ultimate factors of success. These close ties between success and relationships are shown in the novel Great Gatsby and other sources.
Opportunities are one of the many perks of relationships. By having a good relationship with someone might bring the individual an opportunity to achieve success. This can be seen in the Great Gatsby countless times. Whether its a business proposal , or simply a chance to arrange a date with the love of your life. “I talked to Miss Baker, I'm going to call Daisy tomorrow and invite her to tea” (Fitzgerald 70). In this quote Nick is talking to Gatsby how he will gladly set up a surprise date for him and Daisy. This quote fits right in to the topic of opportunities.
Having good relationships with people can create trust among the individuals. Trust can tighten the bond between people and it is an important factor to gain success. We can see examples of this between Gatsby and Nick throughout the book. “I can't describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport” (Fitzgerald 121). This quote is one of the many passages where Gatsby tells Nick his feelings and problems. We can see how important Nick is to Gatsby. Gatsby has very few friends and he only trusts Nick. As Eminem once said, “trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends”(Marshal Mathers). Trust is the factor that can only be achieved by a “tight” relationship.
The strongest element in a relationship is love. According to the Huffington Post having love in your life leads to a more successful life than people without it. Love deeply. Love fully. Don't ever let fear prevent you from experiencing the greatest feeling in this life. Love your family, love your friends, love your partners, love children, love strangers, love yourself. Immerse yourself in love it's worth it (Huffington Post). In the Great Gatsby the reader can feel the authors desired message of how love is what determines how wealthy a individual is. Gatsby being a rich and successful entrepreneur knew that his love for Daisy will be his downfall of him being the son of God. “Well there I was, way off my ambitions, getting deeper in love every minute, and all of a sudden I didn't care. What was the use of doing great things if I could have a better time telling her what I was going to do” (Fitzgerald 121). As this quote, Gatsby was a victim of love. He was willing to give up everything for a girl, because love is worth more than money, honor, fame etc. Gatsby`s only desire was to have Daisy as a lover, only then was he truly wealthy.
In the novel Great Gatsby the reader can find elements of relationships closely tied to the achievement of wealth and success. Opportunities, trust and love are all factors of relationships that contribute to the strive for success and wealth. After all what is the point of having all the money in the world but not having anyone to love?
My Rewrite
The Truth of Happiness
I am too young to understand. With seemingly perpetual life spreading its welcoming arms in front of me I do not understand what my needs and wishes are. Through out history human beings strived for success. It is in our nature to do so for success brings great wealth. But what it is? What does it mean to be successful? Does success means the attainment of wealth, a large amount of money and valuable possessions? Or is the secret of living a meaningful life relates to something else? These are some questions I will try to answer based on The Great Gatsby. Success can be achieved in many ways but in my eyes, and according to the author of this novel, relationships are the key to success. Relationships create trust and love, which I believe is the ultimate factors of success. These close ties between success and relationships are shown throughout The Great Gatsby.
First of all, I must understand whether materialistic lifestyle lead to happiness or not. Materialistic people are characterised by grand avarice, mainly because they are excessively concerned with acquisition of wealth, rather than with spiritual values. Being mindful of advantages that money can bring in many instances, they pursue economic security. As Aristotle once said, “Money is a guarantee that we may have what we want in the future. It insures the possibility of satisfying a new desire when it arises” (Argile 100). However, money is only a tool for achieving your goals - it is not a goal itself. What good is money if it can’t buy happiness? Fitzgerald's story follows Jay Gatsby's quest to become rich enough to win Daisy Buchanan’s heart. In this case, the only reason why he worked to become rich is because he wanted to gain love through money, not solely attaining material possessions.
There is another problem with money. It is in its impermanence. Money doesn‘t show reality, but rather fakeness. It is a camouflage that gives temporary satisfaction with one’s life. People hardly ever realize that we can lose everything, anytime, in the blink of an eye. The car you ride, the house you live in -- it can disappear. Even the land you think you own in fact belongs to the government. What is truly yours, then? Yourself, maybe, and people with whom you're in good relationships. That is because good relationships create trust among the individuals. Trust can tighten the bond between people. We can see examples of this between Gatsby and Nick throughout the book. “I can't describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport” (Fitzgerald 121). This quote is one of the many passages where Gatsby tells Nick his feelings and problems. We can see how important Nick is to Gatsby. Gatsby has very few friends and he only trusts Nick. As Eminem once said, “Trust is hard to come by. That's why my circle is small and tight. I'm kind of funny about making new friends”(Marshal Mathers). Trust is the factor that can only be achieved by a “tight” relationship.
The strongest element in a relationship is love. According to the Huffington Post having love in your life leads to a more successful life than people without it. In The Great Gatsby the reader can feel the author's desired message of how love is what determines how wealthy a individual is. "Love deeply. Love fully. Don't ever let fear prevent you from experiencing the greatest feeling in this life," it says. Gatsby being a rich and successful entrepreneur knew that his life would not be complete without love. He was willing to give up everything for a girl, because love is worth more than money, honor, fame. Gatsby`s only desire was to have Daisy as a lover, only then was he truly wealthy.
In the novel Great Gatsby the reader can find elements of relationships closely tied to the achievement of success. Trust and love are factors of relationships that contribute to the strive for success and wealth. After all what is the point of having all the money in the world but not having anyone to love?
Argumentative Essay
This was a challenging project for most of us and especially for me. I had no idea what to write about when I was asked to discuss my definition of success and wealth. I had nothing to say because I just did not know what was important for me. And as I began to read my classmates' essays I became even more confused. They were trying to prove their point, they provided wonderful quotes... but it was complicated. And then I saw Max's essay. What a legerity, what a concise argumentation! I was able to read his essay at one go because of his frank tone and simplicity. Simplicity, however, does not mean frivolousness. In Max's case he did a fantastic job exploring the importance of relationships, more precisely trust and love, in one's life. His intriguing ideas, though, needed a greater support in order to prove his point and persuade the readers so I chose to focus my rewrite on contrast between different lifestyles to highlight the one that I wanted to prove. Taking the best part of Max's essay and adding additional features to some parts of it helped me understand his point of view much better than if I was just reading it. In order to synthesise two works you must understand both deeply. This helped me to improve the piece as the whole because as I was refining the essay, I started to realize what I could do to make the arguments even stronger and flow of the essay even smoother.
As I began writing my revision, I tried to keep his essay's structure since it was clearly and logically organised: introduction with explicit thesis, three body paragraphs (each talking about separate components of relationships), and lastly, conclusion with metacognitive question at the very end. Yet I changed few things to further develop the arguments he had. I integrated another component of life that many people find important - money , and compared and contrasted with relationships. I thought that this would make a claim stronger if I reject the materialistic lifestyle and support the position I was trying to prove instead. I also had to take out the first body paragraph and replace it with the smooth transition from indolent inquiry of the first paragraph to active discussion of the third paragraph. In his second paragraph, Max talking about opportunities brought by relationships. I felt like his position was not supported enough by quotes and references from different sources so instead of keeping this in the essay, I decided to include some versatile ideas that would emphasise the importance of relationships in a different way.
Although by times I felt like I was cheating because I took somebody else's ideas and presented them with my own, this surely helped me to write a clearer and more determined persuasive essay. Taking an exemplary work and refining is similar to a process of silver cleaning. You take a valuable piece of metal and by polishing it increase the beauty of it. Just like the silverware that begins to shine after the procedure, the essay that possess many wonders becomes even greater when you take time and effort to refine and improve it.